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In New York City, 1881, a man eludes another in the crowded streets. He pays extra to send a telegram express. A young man receives a telegram, his uncle has died. He travels to the uncle’s large estate where a lawyer explains the uncle, John Carter, died suddenly and left everything to the young man. He passes the young man, Edgar Rice Burroughs (Daryl Sabara) an old diary.

After the lawyer leaves the young man begins to read. The story begins in Arizona, after the Civil War. John Carter (Taylor Kitsch), a decorated former CSA Captain, is prospecting for gold, the locals don’t seem to like him. A cavalry Colonel (Bryan Cranston) tries to press Carter into service to fight the Apache. Carter refuses to join and escapes Fort Grant, the cavalry give chase and soon the whites encounter an Apache war tribe. Carter and the injured Colonel Powell escape into a box canyon and find a small cave. The Apache approach but then withdraw. Carter notices a spider symbol on the rock face, he investigates deeper into the cave. He finds a chamber with strange markings. A bald man in a shiny robe appears. They fight, Carter kills the other and grabs a blue-glowing medallion. Suddenly he awakes in a strange desert.

Carter tries to walk but stumbles and appears to float. He makes his way to the nearby tor, and finds a nest of eggs hatching green 6 limbed infants. A tall green alien with 4 arms lays down his sword and rifle and greets Carter. They manage to give their names, The green man is Tars Tarkas (Willem Dafoe) the Jeddak (leader). Tarkas waves off the rest of his group, they collect the hatchlings and take Carter back to their town. Tarkas has also recovered the medallion and wears it. In the town other tharks treat Carter roughly, he is thrown in with the babies. A female pours a liquid into his mouth, it allows him speak and understand the local language.

At a battle between humanoids, three figures appear and give a General, Sab Than (Dominic West) a blue mesh like device. With it he an send bolts of energy and win the combat. In Helium, Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins) is practicing a speech. Her father Tardos Mor (Ciaran Hinds) the Jeddak arrives with an entourage. Dejah demonstrates a machine that generates a weak blue ray, a man in the background zaps the device making it fail. Tardos then tells Dejah she has to marry Sab Than to end the conflict. Back in Tharkville Carter now has a loyal pet, a huge dog like creature that is very quick. The tharks take cover when a sentry warns of flying craft. Three flying battleships appear in the sky, nearby, two chasing one. They close in for boarding parties and hand to hand combat. Tarkas watches with a telescope and explains the war to Carter, the Zodangas are fighting the Heliums. Dejah attempts to escape, then falls and hangs on several hundred feet up. Carter sees she is humanoid and jumps to her rescue. He manages to turn the battle but the blue Helium craft is crashed. Dejah is also a good fighter and wonders who Carter is. Back on land Tarkas makes Carter his “right arm”Dotar Sojat, and gives him Dejah as a prize. Dejah wants to learn how to jump, Carter just wants to go home. They go to a nearby cave with a female thark, Sola. The cave is a temple, Deja reads some ancient markings. The three are arrested by the tharks for going into the temple. Sola is tortured and branded. Tarkas helps them all escape, Carter guesses Sola is his daughter. The three journey to the river Isis to solve the temple mystery, taking the medallion. Along the way Sola warns Carter Dejah is leading them astray. Confronted she admits they were headed for capital city Helium. She says she is the princess. Carter convinces her to go to Isis first. Up the winding river they find an inverted stone pyramid. Carter and Dejah enter and glowing blue graphics show the solar system. Dejah tells Carter the third planet is Jasoom, they are on Barsoom. They conclude Carter has telegraphed a copy of himself to the fourth planet, Mars.

Outside, an army tharks approach, directed by Matai Shang (Mark Strong). The three mount up and scramble. As the hordes approach, Carter tells the women to go, he returns to fight the rampaging army with only his pet. Killing many, he recalls finding his dead wife in a burned farmhouse, he is eventually overcome. Just then a Helium battle cruiser arrives to end the fight. Tardos and Sab Than disembark, Than offers his sword to Dejah as a sign of trust and asks her to marry. They take the wounded Carter to Zodanga.

Carter awakes in a guarded room. One of Tardos’ officers arrives and helps him escape. They jump to a nearby tower. Inside Dejah is dressed in wedding finery, agreeing to marry. She greets Carter and asks him again to fight on her side. He refuses and she then tells him the magic words that will transport him back to earth. Red guards demand entry, as they door opens Carter has vanished. An older woman returns to the room and finds Carter in a ceiling recess. She uses a blue ray to immobilize him. It is Shang, leader of the thurns. He forces Carter to come with him and explains thurns our managing the end of Mars. They watch as Dejah is paraded down a street. Suddenly Carter’s pet arrives in a flurry, the earth man escapes on a flying single seater. He crash lands ouside of town, close to Sola.

Sola and Carter return to Tharkville but he is tossed in jail. Inside Tarkas is also in chains, he has been overthrown by 1 tusk Tal Hajus (Thomas Haden Church). They are taken to a large coliseum, and made to fight giant white apes. Sola helps cause a distraction from the stands, and Carter manages to kill the two beasts. As the tharks cheer him he challenges Hajus. Carter quickly beheads him and is now the head of the tharks.

He leads them back to Zodanga to stop the wedding. On arrival they find the city empty, all are gone to Helium. Carter takes off in singleseater. As the wedding ceremony is starting Carter crashes in. Dejah is thrilled to see him. Once again Shang and his blue ray help the Zodangas, but suddenly a huge cruiser crashes in too. The tharks have arrived. They join the Helium army and fight off the Zodangas. Shang manages to escape but Carter recovers the medallion.

Carter and Deja are married. That night Carter is restless and steps out of the room. He tosses the medallion far away. Shang is cloaked as a guard, touches Carter and sends him back to the Arizona cave. Carter wakens dusty and bearded, the Colonel is but a skeleton. The Carter narrative continues, he realizes there must be tharns on earth and spends the next 10 years looking for another medallion. He finds it in the Orkneys. He prepares a crypt on his estate so he can return to Mars and leave his body safe on earth, Edgar is to be entrusted to keep him safe. Thus the fake death. Edgar goes to check the crypt, he figures out the password to enter and opens the door, it is empty. A tharn appears, but is shot dead. Carter is outside holding the gun. He explains he took a temporary drug to appear to have died, he needed Edgar as bait to draw out a tharn. He takes the medallion and goes into the crypt, lies down and recites the phrase to return to… Barsoom!

 

It could have been shortened by about 20 minutes and been just as good. Watchable, matinee fodder. My guess is that Disney figured that a scantily clad Taylor Kitch would bring in the teen crowd.

 

The movie certainly as bad as the critics would have you believe.

 

Rating: 3 out of 5.