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The Tattooist is a New Zealand film directed by Peter Burger and starring American actor Jason Behr (who you may remember from the TV Series, Roswell) and New Zealand actors Nathaniel Lees, Michael Hurst and Robbie Magasiva among others. The film is the first in a series of official co-productions between New Zealand and Singapore,^[1]and was released on August 30, 2007. ^[2]

The film is described as a supernatural thriller in which American tattoo artist Jake Sawyer (Behr) is a global wanderer who explores ethnic themes in his designs. While he is in New Zealand he unknowingly plays a role in releasing a deadly spirit as he attempts to learn tatau, the Samoan tradition of tattooing.

An interesting plot, rather off-beat movie, not a big budget but pretty well done. Worth a rental.

Rating: 3 out of 5 Jalapenos.

The Love guru is a comedy movie casting Jessica Alba(as Jane Bullard) and Mike Myers(guru pitka) on lead. Jessica plays the role of the owner of maple leafs toronto and mike as a a non residential american who was raised by a group of indian gurus.

The story advances as guru pitka returns to america to break into a self-help business. He faces a series of challenges which are romantic and comic. Justin Timberlake also plays a very significant role of Jacques Grand.

The Love Guru received negative reviews from critics. As of June 21, 2008, the review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes reported that 15% of critics gave the film positive reviews, based on 49 reviews — with the consensus that the film “features far too many gross-out gags, and too few earned laughs, ranking as one of Mike Myers’ poorest outings.” Metacritic reported the film had an average score of 23 out of 100, based on 25 reviews.^[8] The movie received an average score of 40.3% from 54 film critics according to Movie Tab.

Jay Stone of the National Post gave the film one star and said the film “is shockingly crass, sloppy, repetitive and thin.” Stone said “Chopra is used almost as a product placement, taking a proud spot alongside a circus, a brand of cinnamon buns, the Leafs and, of course, Mike Myers.” Stone also wrote, “the sitar-based versions of pop songs like 9 to 5 are oddly watchable – but mostly the film is 88 minutes of ridiculous sight gags and obscene puns.”

A. O. Scott of The New York Times wrote “The word ‘unfunny’ surely applies to Mr. Myers’s obnoxious attempts to find mirth in physical and cultural differences but does not quite capture the strenuous unpleasantness of his performance. No, The Love Guru is downright antifunny, an experience that makes you wonder if you will ever laugh again.”

The movie has a few funny gags but most are over done and banal. Most attempts at humor were ruined by unnecessary crudeness. I guess if you liked Austin Powers you might like this movie. For me, this is the last movie with Mike Myers I will ever go see. While he was a respectable talent on SNL, in my estimation he has landed in the crapper.

Rating: 0 out of 5 Jalapenos

The latest from M. Night Shyamalan.

In the northeast part of America, people suddenly begin committing suicide en masse. First they become disoriented, then stop moving, and finally find the quickest way to kill themselves. The pandemic begins in parks, and quickly spreads to nearby population centers. It is initially believed to be a bioterrorist attack, but this is ruled out as the events increase in frequency.

Elliot Moore (Mark Wahlberg) is a science teacher in Philadelphia. After the school is informed of the pandemic, he decides to leave the city with his wife, Alma Moore (Zooey Deschanel), and his fellow math teacher, Julian (John Leguizamo), who is also bringing his eight-year-old daughter, Jess (Ashlyn Sanchez). The train soon stops at a small town in western Pennsylvania; train services are discontinued after the crew loses contact with “everyone.” Julian finds out that the “attacks” have hit Princeton, where his wife is currently headed, and leaves Jess with Elliot while he hitches a ride in an attempt to retrieve her. However, it has already been hit by the pandemic, and a hole in the car’s roof exposes them.

Meanwhile, Elliot, Alma, and Jess manage to hitchhike with a botanist and his wife; the man explains his theory that plants are attacking people as a defense mechanism. He elaborates on the complex mechanisms that often seem to appear spontaneously, involving strategies such as attracting predators to kill off specific threats and fostering communication between different species of plants. As they drive, they find themselves surrounded on all sides by affected towns. A number of other cars arrive in the same location. A soldier, Private First Class Auster, suggests moving away from the population centers on foot to avoid any attacks, as the pandemic has been occurring in smaller and smaller populations.

The group of survivors splits into two, with Elliot, Alma, and Jess in a smaller group. Auster’s group is struck by the pandemic within earshot of Elliot, and he concludes that it is likely caused by an airborne neurotoxin exuded by the surrounding plants. The larger the group of people, the more likely it is to trigger the defense mechanism. Elliot makes the group split into three smaller ones with Elliot, Alma, Jess, and two teenage boys staying together.

While looking for food for Jess, Elliot’s group finds a boarded up house with survivors inside, still believing the pandemic to be a terrorist attack. They are unwilling to open the doors. When the two teenage boys begin to aggressively force an entry, they are shot dead. Elliot’s group is forced to leave. They make their way to the house of an elderly woman, who lives in complete isolation; thus, she is ignorant of the pandemic. Though she allows them to stay, she proves to be a harsh host and a paranoid woman once she sees Elliot “eyeing her lemon drink”. In the morning, Elliot finds himself alone; going downstairs, he hears the voices of Alma and Jess but cannot find them. He inadvertently enters the old woman’s room and she angrily insists that they leave immediately.

The woman storms out of the house into the garden, where she is affected by the neurotoxin. Realizing that the defense mechanism has become even more sensitive, Elliot locks himself inside the house. Elliot finds himself in a room where he can hear Alma and Jess. He finds a speaking tube, which leads to a shed outside the house. Conversing with his wife, he says that he would want nothing more than to be with her. They relinquish themselves to their fate, but the neurotoxin doesn’t affect them: the pandemic is over.

Three months later, Elliot and Alma have adjusted to a new life with Jess as their adopted daughter. On television, an environmentalist warns that the pandemic may only have been a warning, like a rash that precedes an infection. Elliot takes Jess to the bus stop for the first day of school while Alma stays at home, timing a home pregnancy test. When he returns, Alma greets him with a smile, and they embrace. In the Jardin des Tuileries in Paris, the pandemic appears to happen once again as everyone in sight suddenly stops moving as the wind suddenly moves the trees.

Now that the plot has been exposed, you may want to save yourself the price of admission and wait for it to come to HBO or even network TV. The movie clocks in at one hour and 28 minutes. The cinematography must have been low bid and certainly contributes to this being another flop. It is a much better plot line than seen in The Village, but like The Village, the essence of the plot is exposed early and then you are just bored. What was up with Zooey Deschanel? Did he force her to be “doe-eyed” to the point of almost being Marty Feldmanesque with exopthalmos? At least Feldman has a medical explanation. Also with her useless dialog and almost autistic acting, she should have been blonde. Of course, the entire dialog was more suited for a Sylvester Stallone movie. In fact, this movie may have played better with simply a good musical score and no dialog and only an occasional superscript. Being a fan of Shyalaman’s earlier works, such as Unbreakable, he continues to disappoint. Maybe if he got over his fear of going more than 50 miles from home his movie’s would improve.

Rating: 1 out of 5 Jalapenos.

You Don’t Mess with the Zohan  was written by Adam Sandler, Judd Apatow, Robert Smigel and was directed by Dennis Dugan. Sandler’s production company Happy Madison produced the film, and Sony Pictures Entertainment distributed it. The movie stars Adam Sandler as Zohan Dvir, an Israeli anti-terrorism commando, who fakes his own death in order to pursue his dream: becoming a hairstylist in New York.

The movie begins with Zohan on vacation and partying on a beach in Israel, attracting several women and capturing the attention of every beach-goer with his Hacky Sack prowess. He cooks fish in the nude (using copious amounts of hummus) for himself, his friend and several women. As he finishes cooking, an Israeli Army helicopter arrives, stealing him away from his presumed well-earned vacation.

During a subsequent briefing, Zohan expresses his displeasure about being held by the Israeli Defence Forces for too long. After being haggled by his officer, he eventually agrees to do yet another mission of recapturing a key Palestinian terrorist, the “Phantom” (John Turturro), who had been freed by the Israeli government in exchange for a captured Mossad agent, plus an additional “to-be-named-later” spy. Later, as Zohan expresses his desire to leave Israel and become a hairdresser in New York City, his wishes are met with laughter by his mother and father, who had fought in the Israel’s Six-Day War.

The disgruntled Zohan fakes his own death during the pursuit of the Phantom, who is tricked into believing he had killed Zohan. Zohan smuggles himself into a flight to New York City in a pet crate of two dogs named Scrappy and Coco. Changing his hairstyle into a 1980s Paul Mitchell style and taking “Scrappy Coco” as a new moniker, he sets out to pursue his dreams in the Big Apple.

Initially unsuccessful in getting hired at an upscale Paul Mitchell salon (as well as an African-American salon and a children’s salon), Zohan’s military expertise and passion for 1970s disco has earned him a new friend, Michael (Nick Swardson), who gives him a place to stay. Michael later regrets the decision as he is forced to endure Zohan’s disturbing sexual activities with Michael’s mother, Gail (Lainie Kazan). Zohan also runs into a fellow Israeli named Uri, a Zohan fan who is aware of Scrappy Coco’s true identity but agrees to keep it a secret. Uri introduces him to a block in lower Manhattan filled with middle-eastern Americans, who are split between a Palestinian side and an Israeli side of the street.

Zohan attempts to land a job in a struggling salon of a Palestinian woman named Dhalia (Emmanuelle Chriqui). After succumbing to Zohan’s pleas to sweep floors for free, she eventually allows Zohan be a stylist after he pleases a senior lady with satisfactory haircut and a back room service. Zohan’s reputation spreads instantly among the elder women of lower Manhattan, who comment that “besides the sex, he gives a pretty good haircut.” Dhalia’s business booms, upsetting Walbridge, a corporate magnate who has been trying to forcibly gentrify the block.

Eventually Zohan is identified by a Palestinian cab driver named Salim (Rob Schneider), whom Zohan had bullied in the past. Salim tries to enact his revenge by building a makeshift “explosives” or utility bombs/bomb shells. Thinking that he needs “chemicals,” Salim walks into a pharmacy and tries to ask for nitroglycerin. Hearing Salim’s mispronunciation, the pharmacist instead presents Salim with Neosporin. Seeing that the neosporin doesn’t destroy Zohan’s workplace, Salim then informs Phantom, now a successful fast-food chain owner. Phantom then pays a visit to New York to hunt Zohan down.

In the meanwhile, Zohan realized that he fell in love with Dhalia when he discovered that he lost the ability to physically please the old ladies. Dhalia rejected Zohan’s feelings for her, since he is an Israeli counter-terrorist operative. Zohan decided to leave Dhalia, but as he is confronting Phantom, news of the middle-eastern block being attacked by redneck gangsters steals him away, and as he and Phantom are working together to save the block, they discover that Dhalia is a sister of Phantom – or “Fattoush” as she calls him. The Israelis and the Palestinians of the block band together to save their shops, defeating the redneck gangsters. As it turns out, the rednecks were hired by Walbridge to instigate an inter-ethnic riot in order to kick out the Middle Eastern residents, thereby allowing him to build his mall.

With the Israelis and the Palestinians united, the block is transformed into a collectively-owned mall, in which Zohan and Dhalia realized their dream in opening a beauty parlor. The Phantom also fulfills his lifelong passion of opening up a shoe store. The movie ends happily as Zohan’s parents approved of his Palestinian wife and hair salon, becoming customers themselves in a surprise visit.

The movie is filled with typical Sandler crudeness and toilet humor. Although it didn’t get good reviews and Kung Fu Panda kicked Zohan’s rear end, it still had enough laughs to make it good matinee fodder.

Rating: 3.5 our of 5 Jalapenos.

When we last saw Indiana Jones on screen, it was 1938, and the world stood on the brink of war as Dr. Jones chased down evildoers to find the Holy Grail. Nineteen years later, he’s cracking his whip again, and many things have changed … but some have remained the same. Again, the world is at a precipice, this time caused by the specter of nuclear annihilation, and Indy’s struggle is once again to ensure that a precious, mysterious object remains safe from those bent on destroying humanity.

Typical Indy and again, aside from the rediculous plot line, a romping good time. Fast paced, good special effects, and of course a female villain with a foreign accent (Russian this time, rather than German). Shades of Area 51 and Stargate. Interesting twist with Indy coming face to face with his heretofore unknown son (are there sequels to follow). Bring on the aliens, shades of cyborg civilization, Aztec/Mayan temples,  and even Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Not one dull second in the whole movie. The worst part of it was Shia LaBeouf’s hairstyle – move over Fonzie. This kid has burst on the scene and has a couple of more entries throughout the Summer and Fall. He should change his name.

Definitely worth seeing, even the second time.

Rating: 4.8 out of 5 Jalapenos.

Marcel Langenegger makes his feature-film directorial debut with the aptly titled DECEPTION, a film about secrets and lies. Jonathan McQuarry (Ewan McGregor) feels that life is passing him by. He completes short-term audits for a large firm, but doesn’t really feel any connection to his employer and finds it difficult to make friends at his assignments since he’s never there for long. Jonathan’s circumstances change overnight when charming lawyer Wyatt Bose (Hugh Jackman) befriends him. In an instant, the shy accountant is playing doubles tennis with his new friend and beautiful women and visiting upscale clubs. Just as mild-mannered Jonathan is getting used to his new lifestyle, Wyatt leaves town on business. When Jonathan finds himself mistakenly in possession of Wyatt’s cell phone, he also discovers a whole new world of anonymous sex in elite Manhattan hotels with powerful women known simply as “The List.” But soon Jonathan is in over his head: he’s the prime suspect when a woman goes missing, and the threat of extortion looms. This tale weaves an intricate web of lies and treachery. Jackman is both charming and chilling as Wyatt, a man utterly without conscience, while McGregor falls easily into character as the bespectacled Everyman, Jonathan. Nerdy but likable, Jonathan really just wants to connect with someone. Along the way, he learns that he is capable of more than he ever expected.

The movie takes a few unexpected twists and you certainly don’t expect Hugh Jackman to be such a sinister character. A predictable ending, but enough plot twists to at least make it interesting. A somewhat steamy movie. It’s a shame they didn’t have Ewan McGregor doing the Tome Cruise “tidy white” dance since he had several scene opportunities. I keep trying to think of a few analagous type plots from some older movies, but apparently they were less memorable.

Rating: 3.5 our of 5 Jalapenos

The characters of C.S. Lewis’s timeless fantasy come to life once again in this newest installment of the “Chronicles of Narnia” series, in which the Pevensie siblings are magically transported back from England to the world of Narnia, where a thrilling, perilous new adventure and an even greater test of their faith and courage awaits them. One year after the incredible events of “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe,” the Kings and Queens of Narnia find themselves back in that faraway wondrous realm, only to discover that more than 1300 years have passed in Narnian time. During their absence, the Golden Age of Narnia has become extinct, Narnia has been conquered by the Telmarines and is now under the control of the evil King Miraz, who rules the land without mercy. The four children will soon meet an intriguing new character: Narnia’s rightful heir to the throne, the young Prince Caspian, who has been forced into hiding as his uncle Miraz plots to kill him in order to place his own newborn son on the throne. With the help of the kindly dwarf, a courageous talking mouse named Reepicheep, a badger named Trufflehunter and a Black Dwarf, Nikabrik, the Narnians, led by the mighty knights Peter and Caspian, embark on a remarkable journey to find Aslan, rescue Narnia from Miraz’s tyrannical hold, and restore magic and glory to the land.

While not as “epic” as The Lord of the Rings Trilogy this movie is well done. I liked this one a bit better than the first one. This series is probably more designed for the younger crowd unlike the Rings which can be appreciated by any age group. This is not as dark either. I found it to be very intertaining and well done. It is not an Oscar contender, but it is good fantasy entertainment. Have the first two installments really probed the underlying theology, I think not. It is however well worth the price of admission.

Rating: 4 out of 5 Jalapenos

This romantic comedy film stars Cameron Diaz as a  strait-laced, Type-A commodities trader who cuts loose in Vegas after being dumped by her pill of a boyfriend. There she bumps into irresponsible, irrepressible Jack, played by Ashton Kutcher who is in Vegas because his father fired him from the family business. They drink, they marry, they win $3 mil at the slots, they wake up with hangovers, they bicker and regret and rue the day. Then they return to New York and their respective hollow lives. Before granting their annulment, a fancifully creative judge (Dennis Miller) orders these Bickersons to live together for six months, or else no money. The screenplay by Dana Fox devolves into a series of humiliating pranks. 

 Joy and Jack cohabitate uneasily, whine to their respective best pals, drive each other nuts and eventually acknowledge that what they have is real. So they end up with love and money. 

 The movie is quite formularic. Actually not a bad performance by Kutcher. It would have been better with any co-star than Cameron Diaz. I do not understand why she is a drawing card. She is unattractive and always has a “pruney” look. She reminds me of someone who has spent too much time in the sun and whose skin has turned leathery and wrinkly. She is a horrible actress and alway winds up with the parts where she is always screaming and flailing around like a “valley girl.”

Not a real cinematographic event, but watchable and provides some senseless humor.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 Jalapenos

Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay marks the triumphant return of these two hilarious, slacker anti-heroes. The movie stars John Cho as Harold and Kal Penn as Kumar, two stoners who can’t seem to get a break. Their last adventure found them traveling across country to find a White Castle hamburger in order to satisfy a weed-induced case of “the munchies.”

This time, the boys get themselves in trouble trying to sneak a bong on board a flight to Amsterdam. Now, being suspected of terrorism, they are forced to run from the law and try to find a way to prove their innocence. What follows is an irreverent and epic journey of deep thoughts, deeper inhaling and a wild trip around the world that is as “un-PC” as it gets.

This is an absolutely mindless movie not to be taken too seriously. If you can laugh at crude, stoner based toilet humor, then you will appreciate many of the moments throughout the movie. There is even bigger cameo performance by Neal Patrick Harris (as himself). He does however get blasted with a shotgun in this one … will he survive to appear in Harold and Kumar’s next adventure?

There is no stereotype or subject matter too taboo in “Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay.” So if you’re easily or even somewhat offended at the prospect of jokes about race, rampant xenophobia or even a cookout with the Ku Klux Klan, you might not appreciate the film’s decidedly anti-PC take on the world. For the rest of us, this is a wildly unapologetic comedy that will keep you thoroughly entertained and laughing right to the final credits.

Harold and Kumar” isn’t for the intellectual seeking a deeper meaning in their movie. It’s just dumb and goofy with a pair of stoners getting into one improbable situation after another and in this case, that’s all that’s needed for a funny, often hilarious film.

Rating: 4 out of 5 Tobasco Peppers for Ole Time Stoner, non PC humor

3 out of 5 Jalapenos for true movie value. Still worth seeing.

Not being famililar with the comic book version of this story, I have no idea whether it is like the Marvel comic version or not. However, this proved to be the first real blockbuster of the Summer. Let’s hope it’s just the start of a good movie season.

The synopsis of Iron Man looks something like this: “Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) is the CEO of Stark Industries which produces advance weapon systems for the U.S. military. Tony’s father started the company after WWII, and after his death Tony inherited the company, worth billions. Tony lives the life as a hard drinking, rich playboy ladies man, but he is also a genius who has invented many high-tech items for the company. Tony flies to Afghanistan to demonstrate a new weapons test to the army. On his way back to his plane, his convoy is attacked by terrorists, and Tony is wounded by a Stark Industries missile. Tony is captured and held hostage in a cave with Raza (Faran Tahir), a doctor who saves his life. The terrorists force Tony and Raza to reproduce the new destructive Jericho missile Tony was demonstrating from parts of other weapons. Instead, Tony decides to build a suit of armor with Razas help. The suit gives Tony the strength and protection to be able to escape the terrorists. Back in America, Tony builds a better suit of armor which gives him superhuman strength with the ability to fly. With the help of his personal assistant Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) and Jim Rhodes (Terrence Howard), Tony vows to protect the world as Iron Man.”

Robert Downey, Jr. is a proven quality actor. Why he crashed his career because of addictions like so many others, we will probably never know. At least he is still alive. He does look a bit beat up from all the drug abuse, etc., but his acting ability is still there. Who would have thought he would be comic book hero, but hopefully he can enjoy this success in this venue and get his promising career back on track.

The movie was fast-paced from beginning to end. It had meaningful dialog a decent plot and great special effects. I had to go back and check the cast for the actor who played the anti-hero. I kept thinking it was William Hurt but it was really Jeff Bridges. I guess I never considered Jeff Bridges because his character wasn’t autistic like StarMan.

A really good time. Well worth the price of full admission.

Rating: 5 out of 5 Jalapenos.